Lately I've been going feeling increasingly moody and discontent. I do realize that this is part of the pregnancy, and that my hormones have taken over. However, when I was pregnant with P I had a different type of hormones. Some women react to pregnancy hormones by becoming depressed, crying easily, getting angry easily, things like that. But when I was pregnant with P I had the opposite reaction...I didn't care. I let things roll off my back. It was like I had just taken a couple of shots of vodka. I was mellow.
I miss that.
I just try to keep my eye on the next goal. Next Thursday I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.
May 8th and 9th is Mother's Day weekend.
On May 20th, P turns two, and on the 22nd we're having a small birthday party.
May 25th is Mike's dad's birthday, and June 1st is his mom's birthday.
On June 10th I'll be 37 weeks pregnant, full term.
On June 14th we have our last student day at school, and June 15th is the last teacher day.
June 20th is Father's Day.
Then it's just three weeks until July 6th, my due date.
I don't know why, but lately I've been thinking a lot about things I'd like to do to decorate the house. We spent so much time unpacking and doing little stuff last summer that we haven't done everything I'd like to with the house. Over the next five years or so, though, I'd like to really fix it up to our taste.
Here, in no particular order, is what I'd like to do.
The Side Steps:
This is the only project that will have to be done prior to E's arrival. Our concrete steps are crumbling. I think this could be an easy enough project for Mike and his brother to do in a few days.
P's Bedroom:
Not much has to be done in P's room. After we moved in we found out that the walls we thought were drywalled were actually just painted wallpaper. Ugh. But it's holding up okay. However, in P's room, like most rooms in the house, there's a drop ceiling with acoustic tile and a big fluorescent light. The guy that used to own the house worked as a custodian in a school so the house is very well maintained, but you can tell when he made "improvements" himself because they look very school-y. This is one example. I'd love to rip it out and get a new light.
Living Room:
Our living room had two colors in it - a weird green tapestry pattern wallpaper on half the walls, and white on the rest. We ripped the wallpaper off the green walls and painted it peach. But the white walls have remained white. I'd like to paint them two shades lighter than the peach walls so they're a super-light peach.
Kitchen:
The kitchen was re-done before we moved in, so not much needs to be done. I'd like to replace all the handles on the cabinets, though. I also want to repaint. This is the wall color.
And this is the color of the counters.
It doesn't quite match. I'd love to paint the walls a bolder blue, with slate gray trim.
Hallway:
Ugly wood paneling, which is common in our house. I'd like to take it out and repaint the walls the same light peach I want to paint in the living room, since you can see the hallway from the living room.
Oh, and take out the ceilings and replace the lights too.
Exterior:
We have a very 70s-ish exterior. Chocolate brown trim and beige siding. Like so:
Mike's tulips look so pretty along the walk.
Anyway, I'd like to paint the siding to make it more of a moss green. I think we could still keep the brown trim, because I don't want to replace the door.
E's room:
We're still in the process of organizing E's room, as you can see.
You can also see the awful wood paneling. Ugh. Once she's around a year old and we transition from the baby Pooh motif to whatever her big-girl motif will be I hope we can tear down the paneling and repaint the walls. I just don't have the energy to do it now. I also want to rip out the drop ceiling and install new lighting.
Our Bedroom:
Our bedroom will probably be the last project. It also has horrible, but different, wood paneling. I swear, there are so many types of tacky wood paneling in our house that we could turn it into the American Fake Wood Paneling Museum. I want to rip it out and repaint.
And no, this isn't a black-and-white picture. It really is gray.
We also have drop ceilings and fluorescent lights, like E's room. I want to tear it out and put in new lighting.
Bathroom:
Our bathroom has no shower. We actually didn't notice this until we were touring the house a second time with our parents, and we had already figured out the payments, researched the schools, driven around the neighborhood, and generally fallen in love with the place. I don't know how we missed it the first time around. But yeah, it sucks. So I'd like to install a shower. And also, replace the tiles. They're plastic and somewhat unsightly.
So yeah, we have our work cut out for us. It's fun to think about, though.
Today (much later today, since it's currently 4:50 AM) I'm going over to my parents' house with P. Sister and Nephew are coming over as well to visit.
Having a nephew is a weird experience. I feel responsible for him.
Actually, side note, I feel directly responsible for everything that happens around me - a few years ago my car got smashed while it was parallel parked outside of Mike's and my apartment, and after Mike shouted, "That was YOUR car! Someone hit it!"
I replied, "Oh my gosh! Was that my fault?"
Mike's jaw just dropped and he shouted back, "How could it possibly be your fault? You were in here!"
"I...I don't know!" I shot back. "Maybe I parked too far from the curb and it was sticking out too much!"
Of course, it wasn't. But anyway. I do feel responsible for Nephew somewhat, partially because my sister isn't the most stable person in the world. For example, Mike and I went to a huge consignment sale yesterday and I bought things for P and baby E. I also bought some toys for Nephew because I knew my sister couldn't. I've also given her all of P's old clothes (and man, did that boy have a ton of clothes) through size 18 mos. I'm considering selling his size 2T clothes on consignment but feel guilty that I have something I could give to Nephew, but instead I'm using it to benefit myself instead (then again, whatever money I get from P's clothes will just be spent on P and E anyway, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad). My sister has already mentioned that she can't wait until Nephew is old enough to come spend the night at my house so she can have a break and I gushed that we'd love to have him, that the kids would have a blast at the neighborhood park, we could show him the city, etc. I'd like him to see a stable household.
It's also weird because I genuinely care about him. It's the first time I've really loved a baby that did not come out of my body. I care about my cousins, but that came more as they got older and I got to know them as people. With Nephew, it was love at first sight. I know other people have talked about how much they adore their nieces and nephews and I never quite understood, but I do now.
I'm proud of my sister for doing the best she can with Nephew. She's actually done a good job so far. I can't wait to get to know him as he grows.
We went to the zoo yesterday and I saw this sign. It says, "Guess what? Giraffes are the only mammals born with horns." That, together with the fact that giraffes are pregnant for fifteen months, make me very glad I'm not a giraffe. The idea of giving birth to a kid with horns just made me cringe.
Today I saw my sister and Nephew. She's really taking to motherhood well, it seems, and I'm so grateful. I'm not sure if her milk has come in yet, and I know the same hormones that bring milk can also bring a lot of emotional changes, but I hope she's avoided them.
Maybe I'm just hormonal and touchy (actually, I know I'm hormonal and touchy) but seeing my sister and her radiant, new-mama glow made me feel so...inadequate. I remember those early days and weeks with P and they were hard. Very hard. I had such a tough time. When P was five days old I was still shuffling around in pajama pants and one of Mike's Brewers t-shirts, not wearing a cute sweater and jewelry like my sister was today. Her hair was washed and blow dried, while mine was usually in a ponytail. She's eager to take Nephew on hikes, while I could barely walk to the doctor's office without my episiotomy stitches pulling and burning. She said that having a baby at home is pretty much like she expected it would be, but for me, I just kept looking at P and thinking, What the hell have we done?
I know there are differences. Nephew is a good sleeper already. P never was, and still isn't. Nephew's loudest, angriest cry is just a squeak. From day one P had a cry that could rattle the windows. Nephew nurses easily. There were times I wept with pain when P would nurse. Would I have been chipper and happy if I'd had a baby like Nephew? Maybe. Would my sister be tearing her hair out if she had raised P? Perhaps. It's not easy to compare.
Of course, if I didn't go through everything I went through with P as a baby, I wouldn't have P today. My difficult baby has grown into a smart, strong, brave, curious, adaptable, secure, and most of all HAPPY toddler. He was worth every bit of trouble. And maybe the fact that he's grown up smart, strong, brave, curious, adaptable, secure, and happy is due to the fact that he has a not-completely-terrible mom.
Of course, if E was an easy baby I wouldn't complain. I deserve one easy-going child, don't I?
Are you familiar with the song "Crazy Love Vol. II" by Paul Simon?
Lyrics:
Fat Charlie the Archangel Sloped into the room He said I have no opinion about this And I have no opinion about that Sad as a lonely little wrinkled balloon He said well I don't claim to be happy about this, boys And I don't seem to be happy about that I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of this crazy love
She says she knows about jokes This time the joke is on me Well, I have no opinion about that And I have no opinion about me
Somebody could walk into this room And say your life is on fire It's all over the evening news All about the fire in your life On the evening news
I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love
Fat Charlie the Archangel Files for divorce He says well this will eat up a year of my life And then there's all that weight to be lost She says the joke is on me I say the joke is on her I said I have no opinion about that Well, we'll just have to wait and confer
I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of your love I don't want no part of this crazy love I don't want no part of this crazy love
That song has been running through my head, and it's a little depressing. It's not the most cheerful song.
I've been feeling a little down lately. I dread going to work, but I don't know why - I just got through three of the hardest meetings I'll have all year, and they went fine. I have 52 days left with kids (and three days of meetings), and only 9 more meetings to go. I was fearful that two of my younger kids were regressing, but I found out that one is starting to progress again, and the other has sounded funny lately because he's had a cold for three weeks (I guess his sinuses are all blocked up - I didn't know that was the problem because he never mentioned being sick!). I think I'm just getting worn out. It's that time of year.
I think the pregnancy is wearing on me too. I'm 24 weeks pregnant now, which feels like it's been a long time, but really it's barely more than halfway. When I was pregnant with P I felt like 30 weeks was a big milestone, because then I started counting the weeks backward to 40...9 weeks to go, 8 weeks, 7 weeks, etc. July feels so close, like I'll never get everything done, but so far when I think about how much longer I'll be pregnant.
My sister's due date was yesterday. She hasn't had Nephew yet. He is now officially the wrong astrological sign. She'll just have to cope. She's really ready to give birth, though, and I don't blame her. Waiting at the end is the worst.
I need to clean the kitchen. I need to re-thread my sewing machine. I need to fold the laundry. I'll probably just watch "Law & Order" with Mike. Blah.
I hate how it seems like people look down on young moms, anyone having this experience?? its like they look at your stomach and your face, and most of the time its "your pregnant, what do your parents think" and not "congratulations" like it should be.. I feel like once your 18 and an adult people should not be so judgemental and assuming that your way too young to have a baby.. Im actually happy im a young mom (not anything against older moms) i feel like ill be able to have a lot of fun doing stuff with my daughter because i still think kid stuff is fun! i just wish people wouldnt be so judgemental and assume that having a baby young is such a bad thing. sure i know that its going to be hard but it doesnt mean ill be any worse of a mother...
Seriously? "I'm happy I'm a young mom [because] I'll be able to have a lot of fun doing stuff with my daughter because I still think kid stuff is fun?"
Honestly, there are some really great teen parents out there, and some really lousy older parents. It's easier to have a baby when you're older, but it's no guarantee that you'll be a good parent. But the idea that you'll be a good parent because you still like to swing at the park or watch cartoons IS JUST STUPID.
It's like the kids at work who can't wait to get pregnant because having a baby is like getting the latest fashion accessory. Or worse, the girls who get pregnant because they see their baby as the ticket to their future...WIC benefits and welfare. The only way to get it is to get knocked up. I feel for those girls who see their future as so bleak and limited, but I feel even more for their babies.
This morning I was feeling guilty because I ate six Oreo cookies and wanted a tuna salad sandwich for lunch. The fat! The potential for mercury! I'm so irresponsible*! I felt like I was taking lousy care of my baby. It's nice to know I'm not the worst mom in the world.
* In my defense I've only gained 3 lbs this pregnancy because of my morning sickness, and I haven't had any fish since I found out I was pregnant. But still, I should eat more fruit.
And this is the color of the counters.
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