An open letter to the person(s) who attempted to steal my bicycle

bikechain
Originally uploaded by Lucky Haskins.

To whom it may concern,

I would like to express my condolences on your failed attempt to steal my bike. Normally I would be irked if I came outside and found that someone made an attempt to steal my property, but this attempt was so pathetic that I feel reassured rather than threatened. If all Milwaukee thieves are as dense as you are, I truly have nothing to fear in this city.

In exchange for this newfound feeling of safety, I’d like to offer you a few tips that might make your next attempt at theft more successful.

1. If whatever you’re using can’t cut through the loop I used to secure my bike, it’s time to find a new cutting tool. Seriously, this wasn’t even meant to be a bike chain and I think I got it from Big Lots or True Value’s dollar bin or somewhere else that was cheap. If your clippers can’t get through that, it’s time to invest in a new pair.

2. Next time, ensure that the cord is actually locked before you start cutting. Mine wasn’t. It was just looped around the bike’s rear fender and around a wooden post. Simply removing the cord would have been much easier.

3. In the event that I do lock up my bike, check the lock to see if I left the sticker for the combination on the lock. In this case, I did.

4. If you’re going to go through all that trouble, you may want to consider stealing a bike that is not a Huffy. A good choice would be my fiance’s bike, which was standing right next to mine and cost about four times as much.

Dipshit.

Best of luck in your future endeavors,

Christine