September Showers

Yesterday I had my second shower, this time for my family instead of Mike's. It was pretty fun and Mike and I got some sorely-needed items, such as salt-and-pepper shakers*. It's weird to think that I've been living on my own for so long and never managed to acquire cake pans or a napkin holder.

However, when I got home I talked online with my friend Alec, who is beginning to contemplate his own rather nontraditional wedding. He and his girlfriend intend to do away with many of the marital frills, including a big reception and bridal showers. He asked why on earth people felt the need to have gifts at showers and then gifts at weddings too, and implied that I was being kind of selfish. And then he finished by saying that it wasn't his place to rain on anybody's day, so he was happy for me. Which, actually, is somewhat like telling a girl, "Damn, that dress looks trampy. Seriously, do you want your boyfriend to respect you at all? But it's not my place to question anybody's sexuality, so have fun on your date." I guess that remark coupled with other people's criticizm has made me want to sit my premenstrual hormonal self at the computer to defend my decision to have a shower.

Actually, it wasn't my decision. I don't really enjoy showers. Bridal, baby, it doesn't matter, I don't like attending them and I've come to discover that I don't like being the guest of honor either. The games are dull, the talk is forced, and the fact that only women attend always makes me feel like I'm supposed to be experiencing some kind of gender-related kinship that I just can't seem to muster. However, my mom didn't have the chance to throw a big family shower when my sister got married and Mike's mom didn't have the chance to throw one when Mike's brother got married, so both of them eagerly pounced on the opportunity. The decisions were made even before I could tell my sister to let everyone know that I'd rather avoid the whole shower thing.

Once things were set up, though, Mike and I tried to be fairly practical in our registry choices. Lots of cookware and bakeware since I had little and Mike had none, household items that both of us were doing without. I was careful not to use the opportunity to upgrade everything we already owned unless the things we had were wearing out, like my flimsy plastic mixing bowl, or our gradually-warping Ikea silverware. We were pretty good.

But I guess that despite the necessity or practicality of the registry, the justification for the gift giving varies depending on who you ask. Some people point out that it goes back to when women were creating a household from scratch and needed so many items to get going, while other people say that the shower is meant to provide for the house while the wedding gifts are meant to sort of reimburse the couple for the money they spent on the reception dinner. I think that after spending hundreds of dollars over the years on my friends' and cousins' bridal and baby showers it's perfectly fine for them to return the favor if they like when it's my turn. If they don't want to and don't come, that's cool too.

The funny thing is, just like most aspects of this wedding, people disagree no matter what decisions are made. Some of my friends, mostly male, agree with Alec that it's exorbitant to have both showers and gifts at the wedding. And other friends were taken aback that I didn't invite them to both of the showers, even though I pointed out that I was trying to spare them an extra gift and a squandered Saturday afternoon. When I suggested charity donations instead of gifts, someone told me what a giant faux pas that was.

Ah well. In six weeks Mike and I will be wed, and people will stop criticizing my wedding. I'm sure everyone will be too busy criticizing my marriage instead.





* I actually had an old pair of shakers, but I couldn't figure out how to fill either of them. Maybe the tops were originally supposed to screw off, but became corroded and stuck. I'm not sure.