Augh...

Things have been stressful. I'm not as floored by it as I was earlier this week, but it's still hard.

My car is still running. The insurance guy is mailing us his estimate, and now all we have to do is decide where to get the thing fixed and drop it off. I think that we'll wait until after the wedding so that if we get any money we can use it to pay the deductible, or at the very least ensure that we can pay the mechanic without any unexpected wedding expenses cropping up.

Work hasn't been so good. I've completed six of my meetings, but the five I have left could be tricky. The new metal detectors will soon be moved in front of the school doors for kids to file through, which I'm sure will cause a backlash. I had a dream last night that the school got an elaborate new security system which involved giant fences, ID cards that you had to scan in, and tests to prove your identity.

Mike is still coping with his inhaler and awaiting news about his grandmother. She's hanging in there, but instead of falling into a new pattern of behavior to deal with this turn of events his entire family just seems to be holding its breath. And, as you know, you can only hold your breath for so long. I remember when my grandfather was in hospice and it's an incredibly depressing, stressful time. Fortunately my father, aunts, and uncle got a routine of care and visits going, and the rhythm helped them get through the days. I try to be there for Mike but I'm not sure that I do a good job.

The wedding is a nightmare that I have when I'm asleep and live when I'm awake. Okay, it's not that bad. But it isn't fun. I suppose I'm disappointed because I thought the weeks before my wedding would be a soft-focus, pastel sort of time. It's not. Emotions are running so high on both sides of the family that it feels like we can't do anything without offending someone. Plus, we should have kept Mike's mom in the loop more since she's second-guessing things that have already been decided. She chimes in with advice on things like grooms' gifts, music, and the gift-opening party days too late, and gets frustrated when we tell her it's been done and we can't use her ideas.

I'm so sick of everything. I just want one commute without holding my breath and listening for the sound of the dents grinding against the wheel. I just want one workday that doesn't involve a period of panic or a moment of heart-pounding. I just want one night that consists of me and Mike curled up reading or watching TV, instead of a night of my nagging him about the wedding and both of us cringing when the phone rings.

I want things the way they were two months ago, or the way they will be a month from now. Is that so much to ask?