Divorce

I had known that something was wrong in Mike’s and my relationship for awhile now. I had gone ahead with the wedding anyway, just chalking the tension up to pre-wedding stress. But in the days and weeks after the wedding things hadn’t gone any better, and even though I tried to fix things nothing worked.

Things came to a head when I visited a friend of mine in the hospital. When I got done visiting I found Mike in the cafeteria waiting for me and talking to a pink-haired indie rock girl. Flirting with her.

I stomped up to him. “So I suppose I was right in assuming that things were strained between us,” I said angrily.

He turned to me briefly. “I guess you were,” he said before turning back to her.

I pulled him away. “So, what,” I said. “What do we do?”

He pulled his arm out of my grasp. “I think we should just end it,” he said. “We just didn’t date long enough. Let’s just end it now before we get in deeper.”

I was shocked. I had expected him to want to work at things, to at least try. I wasn’t expecting a divorce.

That afternoon I took a long walk around Milwaukee to clear my head. In such a short time our lives had become so intertwined. I wouldn’t have a place to live anymore…the apartment was his before I’d moved in. My name wasn’t even on the lease. But where should I live? I worked in Illinois, but did I want to move back there? I wanted to get a job in Milwaukee next year, so maybe I should just stay there…but did I really want to live in the same city as him?

And what about the cats? He would keep Lucky and Edison, and I’d keep Rusty and Cider, but what about Juneau, the cat we adopted together? Sure, I’d gotten her, but he was much more attached to her.

And the rings…oh gosh. I quickly removed them and looked at them. I decided to hang onto the engagement ring since I’d paid for it. I’d sell it later. His parents had given me my wedding band, so they’d probably want it back. I put the engagement ring on my right hand and slipped my wedding band into my pocket.

And, of course, there would be the job of telling everyone that we’d broken up, not even a month after the wedding. I’d have to change my email, change my address.

As I walked back I mulled over whether he’d be willing to pursue an annulment, and whether I could get one without him.

That night I drove to my parents’ house to spend the night. I opened my mouth to shout hello to my parents.

But instead I woke up.

I sat up in bed, confused at first. I was in our green-walled bedroom instead of my parents’ beige house. I glanced down at my hand and saw my rings. Mike wasn’t in bed, and for a moment I felt sick, but then I remembered…he had gone to Minneapolis the night before to play a show.

It was okay. It was a dream.

I shook my head and rubbed my eyes to wipe away the last remnants of sleep. Soon after I got up Mike called to tell me that he was on his way back to Milwaukee.

Before he got home I cleaned the apartment. I wore a nice sweater instead of a sweatsuit. I wasn’t afraid of losing him, really. And although some people may say that the dream indicated that I was insecure in our relationship, I doubt that’s the case, and it’s definitely not why I was making more of an effort. It was more that the dream made me realize how much I appreciated him and relied on him.

I’m glad I was just dreaming.