Christmas Cards

Just to answer Jen's question from before, yep, I did go to the doctor for my throat lump. I got a referral to an ENT. I'll make an appointment with him soon.

In the meantime, I'm going to share my tried-and-true tips for completing one of those seemingly impossible holiday tasks...mailing out those holiday cards. Just follow the steps below, and you'll be putting those cards in the mailbox in no time.

1. Thoughtfully purchase the perfect holiday cards...religious enough for the parents, secular enough for your atheist friends, and still "you."

2. Get wrapped up in holiday preparations and completely forget to send out the cards. Vow to do so next year.

3. Find the box of cards. They're still perfect. Place them on your kitchen table so they'll be within easy reach as soon as you have time to send them out.

4. Forget about them completely. Vow to send them out for Groundhog's Day. Forget that too.

5. Year Three. Vow to send out Christmas cards this year.

6. Realize you lost your perfect cards when you moved. Fuck. Get new cards at the grocery store. They have snowmen, it's good enough.

7. Bring them home. Realize you'll never get cards sent out to all your friends, your cousins, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and your immediate family. Pare down the list to friends and immediate family only. Briefly bless the instinct that kept you from offering to mail cards to all your husband's family and friends too.

8. Begin to make out the cards. Break your pen. Dammit.

9. Tell the cat that she cannot help and needs to leave you alone.

10. Realize that if you write personalized notes in every card you'll never get done. Just sign, "Have a great holiday season! - Christine and Mike," on each card. Rationalize that it takes the same amount of effort as stuffing a generic holiday newsletter in every envelope.

11. Hope that your stamps are valuable enough to send the cards to their destinations. Make a mental note to get a roll of nickels so you can pay back anyone who recieves a card with postage due.

12. Decide to send out holiday e-mails next year.

See? Wasn't that easy? I know you'll be on your way to fucking up your holiday cards in no time.