Mawwiage...is what bwings us togeddah...today

Mike and I are in an odd position with our friends in that we seem to be right in the middle of two very opposite groups. Most of my friends are married, purchasing homes, having babies, holding down career-type, 9-to-5 jobs, and just generally settling down. Most of Mike's friends got degrees in college such as Drama or Modern Dance, and they compare notes on the local music scene and their own hopes for their big break into music/art/acting while they work short-term jobs at places like Starbucks. Both lives have their advantages...in fifty years my friends will have a secure existence and will be able to retire, while Mike's friends will have the best stories to tell and experiences to share.

As I said, Mike and I are caught in the middle. We rent a rundown apartment in an interesting part of Milwaukee and Mike loves his music, but I'm keeping an eye on the state pension system and my growing 401k. Also, we both assure the other that it's their friends that aren't typical...Mike thinks that most twentysomethings aren't too worried about building equity, while I tell him that the typical person our age already has a dog and .5 children, and will be getting the other 2 kids and the white picket fence within a few years. Mostly, though, we're very content to be where we are.

Because I see a little of both extremes, I've been able to compare the two. Believe it or not, the biggest issue they react differently to is not our housing situation or our employment. It's our marriage.

When I was single and dating my friends didn't really encourage me to get married, even though many of them were. Actually, they were too busy trying to encourage me not to date jerks. When my ill-fated relationships would end, I'd get all huffy and say, "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life!"

They'd say, "That's fine, so long as you don't date another idiot like that one."

Occasionally I'd get unsolicited relationship advice with a definite, I should know, I'm married! tone, but the vast majority of the time my friends accepted my decisions. They didn't care if I was married, single, swinging, or doing anything else so long as I was taking care of myself and I was happy.

Mike has had a very different experience. He's one of the first people he knows to get married, so it's been awkward. Although some of his friends have been happy because he's happy, some have seemed unable to comprehend it. They've said, "So, this is your fiance!" or "So, this is your wife!" in the same desperately jocular tone they'd use to show that they were accepting of whatever weird-ass idea you're wasting your time with. It's as if they were saying, "So, you're dating your cousin! Oh, and having relations with her donkey? Hey man, whatever works! It's your lifestyle!" It's awkward, but touching in a way.

Other people, though, have equated getting married with selling out, or giving in to The Man. These are generally people who loudly reject our religion, or tell us that we're just giving in to societal pressure. They proudly say that they've been living with their boyfriend or girlfriend for a month, or a year, or five years, and that they don't need society to approve of their relationship. They don't need to be tied down. They don't need to live their lives the way someone else says they should. And neither should we.

That's the thing, though...I'm all for that idea. Do what's good for you. You want to tour with your band and have adventures? Awesome! You want to quit your job and be a stay-at-home mom? Neat! So long as you aren't hurting anyone else, go nuts! But when you fight for that idea, the idea that you should live your life in the way you think is most fulfilling without regard to someone else's norms, you have to extend that priviledge to everyone otherwise you're just a hypocrite. You're just exchanging society's values for your own.

The funny thing is that the people who shout the loudest about their life being squashed by someone else's expectations are the ones who are quickest to say that what Mike and I did with our lives was wrong.

I'm not really looking for universal acceptance of our relationship. That's both impossible and unnecessary. I just wish people would stop showing that they're so free-thinking and enlightened for badmouthing our marriage.