Anatomy of a Sleepless Night

Guys…it’s a basic fact of nature that men can’t conceive or carry a pregnancy. You just can’t. And so that means that, try as you might, you’ll never quite understand what it’s like to experience what a woman experiences during pregnancy. While it may look like she’s turned into a raving maniac, rest assured that your lovely, rational wife/girlfriend/partner in a one night stand is just having a perfectly normal reaction to the stresses of pregnancy. You’d be acting nuts too if you had to put up with this.

Over the weekend I was feeling really down, and Mike was concerned. I was concerned too…I really fear post-partum depression, and I was afraid that I was getting some kind of pre-partum depression in advance. But today I figured out that it was most likely the fact that I haven’t gotten a decent amount of sleep in a long while. This is because Mike mentioned that we both kept waking up last night, and I thought, What does he mean, kept waking up? I sleep like that all the time! Oh wait…I remember! I used to sleep like a normal person! So I figured it would be enlightening for all the guys out there to see a little timeline of how you’d spend your night if you were pregnant. Rest assured that all the times are accurate because this is what happened to me last night, and I kept looking at the clock. Enjoy!

9:45 PM – Go to sleep. Say goodnight to your husband and roll over onto your left side. It doesn’t matter that you used to go to sleep every night on your stomach or back. Now you have to sleep on your side. Your left side.

Arrange your pillows. If you’re smart, like me, you’ll have a body pillow. It makes things much easier. Wrap your legs around it so that the pillow is between your knees. Rest your belly on it too so that it’s supported…if it doesn’t have something keeping it up it’ll sag to the side and the ligaments that hold it in place will hurt as they stretch. Wrap your arms around it to keep it in place and rest your head on the top. Now you’re all set for slumber!

9:45:30 PM – You’re already asleep. Although your level of consciousness could be described better as “comatose” than “asleep.”

10:05 PM – Realize that your husband is no longer in bed. Stumble half-awake into the living room and ask him what he’s doing. Listen to his reply and nod as if you understand, even though you’re already mostly asleep again. Kiss him on the forehead and stumble back to bed. If you’re extra-classy, like me, you’ll be completely naked the entire time. However, any state of half-dressed dishevelment will do, especially if you can manage to seriously mess up your hair. Normally you’d wonder if the fact that you now resemble a medusa that swallowed a basketball contributes to your husband’s willingness to spend his evenings checking fantasy basketball stats instead of cuddling with you, but you’re pregnant now. You’ve pretty much resumed your coma as soon as your pillow arranging is complete.

11:23 PM – Wake up because your left hip is burning. Oh, the joys of sciatic nerve pain! You’ll have to sleep on your right side for awhile. Move your body pillow. This is best accomplished by getting up on all fours, placing your right hand and knee on the outside of your body pillow, scooting it over, and using your left hand and knee to nudge it into place. Lay down and arrange the pillow. Realize that you have to pee. Try to go back to sleep, but realize that it’s futile, especially since the baby has woken up due to the movement and has begun kicking happily. Go to the bathroom, take a drink of water, and go back to bed.

2:01 AM – You wake up again because your right arm is asleep. Decide to try sleeping on your left side again. Transfer your pillow, arrange it, and lay down on your left side. Your hip begins burning again immediately. Attempt to find the precise angle your hip can take on where the burning will cease. Find it and go back to sleep.

2:14 AM – Your cat freaks out for no reason. You and your husband sit awake, listening for intruders or suspicious activity outside. When you hear nothing, he goes back to sleep, but you remain awake listening for murderers.

2:18 AM – When the cat woke you up you lost the angle your hip was enjoying. Despite your best efforts you can’t find it again. Give up, transfer your pillow, arrange it, and go to sleep on your right side again.

2:32 AM – Your other cat starts frantically scratching at the glass in the window. Your husband wakes up but you tell him to just go back to sleep. If there is a murderer outside you don’t care. You just want to sleep.

3:15 AM – Your right arm hurts again. Fold your body pillow in half and place it on top of your regular pillow. Go to sleep partially sitting up, but mostly laying down. Realize that this is a bad idea because if you lay flat the uterus will fall into your back and compress some important veins that bring blood back to the heart. Hope that you’re upright enough to prevent that.

3:18 AM – Experience three minutes of pure bliss as your body settles into a sleep position that it’s accustomed to. Feel all your muscles relax. Your bones seem to be settling into a perfect resting position. You are in paradise. You’ll finally get a few hours of relaxing, uninterrupted slumber.

3:19 AM – Your head begins to spin. Is it loss of blood from the compressed veins? Or could it be something else? Sit there for a minute, then resign yourself to the fact that sleeping on your back won’t work. Unfold your pillow and arrange your body so that it’s again resting on its left side. Try to contain your weeping.

4:02 AM – Wake up because your left hip is once again burning and tingling. Arrange yourself on your right side. Pray for sleep.

4:32 AM – Your cat wakes you up because she wants to share your pillow. By “share” she means, “take over roughly 90% of it, but if you could leave your head on the lower left-hand corner so I can warm my butt against it, that would be great.” Shove her aside and resume sleeping.

5:20 AM – Wake to the alarm. Be pleasantly surprised that you managed to sleep until the alarm instead of waking up at 5:00 or 5:10 like you usually do. Get up and try to find some breakfast.

Yeah. Great. Now you all know why I've been so lovely to deal with lately.