Danulai's Journal

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2010-04-30T08:38:00.001-05:00

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Moody

2010-04-25T15:30:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been going feeling increasingly moody and discontent. I do realize that this is part of the pregnancy, and that my hormones have taken over. However, when I was pregnant with P I had a different type of hormones. Some women react to pregnancy hormones by becoming depressed, crying easily, getting angry easily, things like that. But when I was pregnant with P I had the opposite reaction...I didn't care. I let things roll off my back. It was like I had just taken a couple of shots of vodka. I was mellow.

I miss that.

I just try to keep my eye on the next goal. Next Thursday I'll be 30 weeks pregnant.

May 8th and 9th is Mother's Day weekend.

On May 20th, P turns two, and on the 22nd we're having a small birthday party.

May 25th is Mike's dad's birthday, and June 1st is his mom's birthday.

On June 10th I'll be 37 weeks pregnant, full term.

On June 14th we have our last student day at school, and June 15th is the last teacher day.

June 20th is Father's Day.

Then it's just three weeks until July 6th, my due date.

Things are moving along. It's just slow going.

Decorating

2010-04-18T07:58:00.008-05:00

I don't know why, but lately I've been thinking a lot about things I'd like to do to decorate the house. We spent so much time unpacking and doing little stuff last summer that we haven't done everything I'd like to with the house. Over the next five years or so, though, I'd like to really fix it up to our taste.

Here, in no particular order, is what I'd like to do.

The Side Steps:

This is the only project that will have to be done prior to E's arrival. Our concrete steps are crumbling. I think this could be an easy enough project for Mike and his brother to do in a few days.

P's Bedroom:

Not much has to be done in P's room. After we moved in we found out that the walls we thought were drywalled were actually just painted wallpaper. Ugh. But it's holding up okay. However, in P's room, like most rooms in the house, there's a drop ceiling with acoustic tile and a big fluorescent light. The guy that used to own the house worked as a custodian in a school so the house is very well maintained, but you can tell when he made "improvements" himself because they look very school-y. This is one example. I'd love to rip it out and get a new light.

Living Room:

Our living room had two colors in it - a weird green tapestry pattern wallpaper on half the walls, and white on the rest. We ripped the wallpaper off the green walls and painted it peach. But the white walls have remained white. I'd like to paint them two shades lighter than the peach walls so they're a super-light peach.

Kitchen:

The kitchen was re-done before we moved in, so not much needs to be done. I'd like to replace all the handles on the cabinets, though. I also want to repaint. This is the wall color.

And this is the color of the counters.

It doesn't quite match. I'd love to paint the walls a bolder blue, with slate gray trim.

Hallway:

Ugly wood paneling, which is common in our house. I'd like to take it out and repaint the walls the same light peach I want to paint in the living room, since you can see the hallway from the living room.

Oh, and take out the ceilings and replace the lights too.

Exterior:

We have a very 70s-ish exterior. Chocolate brown trim and beige siding. Like so:

Mike's tulips look so pretty along the walk.

Anyway, I'd like to paint the siding to make it more of a moss green. I think we could still keep the brown trim, because I don't want to replace the door.

E's room:

We're still in the process of organizing E's room, as you can see.

You can also see the awful wood paneling. Ugh. Once she's around a year old and we transition from the baby Pooh motif to whatever her big-girl motif will be I hope we can tear down the paneling and repaint the walls. I just don't have the energy to do it now. I also want to rip out the drop ceiling and install new lighting.

Our Bedroom:

Our bedroom will probably be the last project. It also has horrible, but different, wood paneling. I swear, there are so many types of tacky wood paneling in our house that we could turn it into the American Fake Wood Paneling Museum. I want to rip it out and repaint.

And no, this isn't a black-and-white picture. It really is gray.

We also have drop ceilings and fluorescent lights, like E's room. I want to tear it out and put in new lighting.

Bathroom:

Our bathroom has no shower. We actually didn't notice this until we were touring the house a second time with our parents, and we had already figured out the payments, researched the schools, driven around the neighborhood, and generally fallen in love with the place. I don't know how we missed it the first time around. But yeah, it sucks. So I'd like to install a shower. And also, replace the tiles. They're plastic and somewhat unsightly.

So yeah, we have our work cut out for us. It's fun to think about, though.

On having a nephew

2010-04-18T04:52:00.002-05:00

Today (much later today, since it's currently 4:50 AM) I'm going over to my parents' house with P. Sister and Nephew are coming over as well to visit.

Having a nephew is a weird experience. I feel responsible for him.

Actually, side note, I feel directly responsible for everything that happens around me - a few years ago my car got smashed while it was parallel parked outside of Mike's and my apartment, and after Mike shouted, "That was YOUR car! Someone hit it!"

I replied, "Oh my gosh! Was that my fault?"

Mike's jaw just dropped and he shouted back, "How could it possibly be your fault? You were in here!"

"I...I don't know!" I shot back. "Maybe I parked too far from the curb and it was sticking out too much!"

Of course, it wasn't. But anyway. I do feel responsible for Nephew somewhat, partially because my sister isn't the most stable person in the world. For example, Mike and I went to a huge consignment sale yesterday and I bought things for P and baby E. I also bought some toys for Nephew because I knew my sister couldn't. I've also given her all of P's old clothes (and man, did that boy have a ton of clothes) through size 18 mos. I'm considering selling his size 2T clothes on consignment but feel guilty that I have something I could give to Nephew, but instead I'm using it to benefit myself instead (then again, whatever money I get from P's clothes will just be spent on P and E anyway, so maybe I shouldn't feel bad). My sister has already mentioned that she can't wait until Nephew is old enough to come spend the night at my house so she can have a break and I gushed that we'd love to have him, that the kids would have a blast at the neighborhood park, we could show him the city, etc. I'd like him to see a stable household.

It's also weird because I genuinely care about him. It's the first time I've really loved a baby that did not come out of my body. I care about my cousins, but that came more as they got older and I got to know them as people. With Nephew, it was love at first sight. I know other people have talked about how much they adore their nieces and nephews and I never quite understood, but I do now.

I'm proud of my sister for doing the best she can with Nephew. She's actually done a good job so far. I can't wait to get to know him as he grows.

Glad I'm not a giraffe

2010-04-03T07:59:00.001-05:00

born with horns
Originally uploaded by Lucky Haskins

We went to the zoo yesterday and I saw this sign. It says, "Guess what? Giraffes are the only mammals born with horns." That, together with the fact that giraffes are pregnant for fifteen months, make me very glad I'm not a giraffe. The idea of giving birth to a kid with horns just made me cringe.

Bad Mama

2010-03-28T20:27:00.002-05:00

Today I saw my sister and Nephew. She's really taking to motherhood well, it seems, and I'm so grateful. I'm not sure if her milk has come in yet, and I know the same hormones that bring milk can also bring a lot of emotional changes, but I hope she's avoided them.

Maybe I'm just hormonal and touchy (actually, I know I'm hormonal and touchy) but seeing my sister and her radiant, new-mama glow made me feel so...inadequate. I remember those early days and weeks with P and they were hard. Very hard. I had such a tough time. When P was five days old I was still shuffling around in pajama pants and one of Mike's Brewers t-shirts, not wearing a cute sweater and jewelry like my sister was today. Her hair was washed and blow dried, while mine was usually in a ponytail. She's eager to take Nephew on hikes, while I could barely walk to the doctor's office without my episiotomy stitches pulling and burning. She said that having a baby at home is pretty much like she expected it would be, but for me, I just kept looking at P and thinking, What the hell have we done?

I know there are differences. Nephew is a good sleeper already. P never was, and still isn't. Nephew's loudest, angriest cry is just a squeak. From day one P had a cry that could rattle the windows. Nephew nurses easily. There were times I wept with pain when P would nurse. Would I have been chipper and happy if I'd had a baby like Nephew? Maybe. Would my sister be tearing her hair out if she had raised P? Perhaps. It's not easy to compare.

Of course, if I didn't go through everything I went through with P as a baby, I wouldn't have P today. My difficult baby has grown into a smart, strong, brave, curious, adaptable, secure, and most of all HAPPY toddler. He was worth every bit of trouble. And maybe the fact that he's grown up smart, strong, brave, curious, adaptable, secure, and happy is due to the fact that he has a not-completely-terrible mom.

Of course, if E was an easy baby I wouldn't complain. I deserve one easy-going child, don't I?

I don't want no part of this crazy love

2010-03-21T20:17:00.002-05:00

Are you familiar with the song "Crazy Love Vol. II" by Paul Simon?

Lyrics:

Fat Charlie the Archangel
Sloped into the room
He said I have no opinion about this
And I have no opinion about that
Sad as a lonely little wrinkled balloon
He said well I don't claim to be happy about this, boys
And I don't seem to be happy about that
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of this crazy love

She says she knows about jokes
This time the joke is on me
Well, I have no opinion about that
And I have no opinion about me

Somebody could walk into this room
And say your life is on fire
It's all over the evening news
All about the fire in your life
On the evening news

I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love

Fat Charlie the Archangel
Files for divorce
He says well this will eat up a year of my life
And then there's all that weight to be lost
She says the joke is on me
I say the joke is on her
I said I have no opinion about that
Well, we'll just have to wait and confer

I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of your love
I don't want no part of this crazy love
I don't want no part of this crazy love

That song has been running through my head, and it's a little depressing. It's not the most cheerful song.

I've been feeling a little down lately. I dread going to work, but I don't know why - I just got through three of the hardest meetings I'll have all year, and they went fine. I have 52 days left with kids (and three days of meetings), and only 9 more meetings to go. I was fearful that two of my younger kids were regressing, but I found out that one is starting to progress again, and the other has sounded funny lately because he's had a cold for three weeks (I guess his sinuses are all blocked up - I didn't know that was the problem because he never mentioned being sick!). I think I'm just getting worn out. It's that time of year.

I think the pregnancy is wearing on me too. I'm 24 weeks pregnant now, which feels like it's been a long time, but really it's barely more than halfway. When I was pregnant with P I felt like 30 weeks was a big milestone, because then I started counting the weeks backward to 40...9 weeks to go, 8 weeks, 7 weeks, etc. July feels so close, like I'll never get everything done, but so far when I think about how much longer I'll be pregnant.

My sister's due date was yesterday. She hasn't had Nephew yet. He is now officially the wrong astrological sign. She'll just have to cope. She's really ready to give birth, though, and I don't blame her. Waiting at the end is the worst.

I need to clean the kitchen. I need to re-thread my sewing machine. I need to fold the laundry. I'll probably just watch "Law & Order" with Mike. Blah.

Argh!

2010-03-13T14:15:00.003-06:00

A post from the forums on what to expect dot com:

I hate how it seems like people look down on young moms, anyone having this experience?? its like they look at your stomach and your face, and most of the time its "your pregnant, what do your parents think" and not "congratulations" like it should be.. I feel like once your 18 and an adult people should not be so judgemental and assuming that your way too young to have a baby.. Im actually happy im a young mom (not anything against older moms) i feel like ill be able to have a lot of fun doing stuff with my daughter because i still think kid stuff is fun! i just wish people wouldnt be so judgemental and assume that having a baby young is such a bad thing. sure i know that its going to be hard but it doesnt mean ill be any worse of a mother...

Seriously? "I'm happy I'm a young mom [because] I'll be able to have a lot of fun doing stuff with my daughter because I still think kid stuff is fun?"

Honestly, there are some really great teen parents out there, and some really lousy older parents. It's easier to have a baby when you're older, but it's no guarantee that you'll be a good parent. But the idea that you'll be a good parent because you still like to swing at the park or watch cartoons IS JUST STUPID.

It's like the kids at work who can't wait to get pregnant because having a baby is like getting the latest fashion accessory. Or worse, the girls who get pregnant because they see their baby as the ticket to their future...WIC benefits and welfare. The only way to get it is to get knocked up. I feel for those girls who see their future as so bleak and limited, but I feel even more for their babies.

This morning I was feeling guilty because I ate six Oreo cookies and wanted a tuna salad sandwich for lunch. The fat! The potential for mercury! I'm so irresponsible*! I felt like I was taking lousy care of my baby. It's nice to know I'm not the worst mom in the world.

* In my defense I've only gained 3 lbs this pregnancy because of my morning sickness, and I haven't had any fish since I found out I was pregnant. But still, I should eat more fruit.

My Weekend

2010-03-07T19:59:00.003-06:00

I had a pretty good weekend.

On Friday night Mike went to a hockey game, so I hung out with P. He's going through a phase where he picks out a book and then would be more than happy to sit while you read him the book over and over for the entire evening. Luckily he's pretty good about going over and picking out a new book after about three readings.

On Saturday I went to my parents' house and visited with them and my sister, who's due to have her baby in just two weeks. After giving it a lot of thought I decided to give her some of P's old clothes (I have another pregnant friend and whatever she doesn't want will probably go straight to my sister). At first I feared that it would set up a pattern where she'd just expect us to give her anything that P once owned, and that she'd never really take responsibility for supplying her own kid with clothes. Not taking responsibility is something she excels at. However, hand-me-down baby clothes are so common that I think it'll be okay.

After visiting my parents I went to a children's consignment shop with Mike and P to get some books and a toy for Nephew. My sister is on a tight budget...she got a lot of the basics at her baby shower, and she's gotten things like diapers through a county program for low-income parents, but she has almost no toys and only one book. Kids' books are so expensive new, but you never know what books your kid will love, so it's nice to have a variety. She can't really afford a variety. So I got a small stack of books that should tide Nephew over until Christmas when we can get him some more. I also got a soft toy with rattles and a mirror and other stuff. The kid needs something to do.

Today we went to the mall to get my wedding rings cleaned and inspected to maintain the warranty. We got to the mall an hour before it opens (who knew it opened at 11 AM on Sundays?) so we let P run around the play area while we waited for stores to open. Oh my gosh, you would have thought that he had never seen a play area before. He was laughing and grinning and constantly in motion. I think the winter has been hard on him - we went from daily romps in the park and at least two hours a day of play in the yard to just being cooped up inside. I felt bad, and thought maybe we should bring him to the play area more often.

Unfortunately when it was time to go he pitched an absolute fit and screamed as we walked halfway through the mall. He's started throwing little tantrums once in a while, and I've learned that the quickest way to extinguish them is to ignore them. He stops pretty quickly. But today he was really upset, and tired, and hungry (it was nearing lunchtime) and he didn't give up so easily. I kept ignoring him but felt like a bad mother just wheeling my screaming toddler through the mall without doing anything to placate him.

Tonight Mike is out with a friend from out of town, so I'm home alone with P again. He's sleeping peacefully and I should be too. This week is a short week for me (I have Friday off) but it'll be very busy.

Good night!

Come on now

2010-02-25T06:02:00.004-06:00

Whattoexpect.com has a forum section, with message boards for many different topics, including boards for your due date. I've been reading the July 2010 board. Every three days or so I tell Mike, "The What to Expect boards are dead to me. DEAD TO ME." For some reason I'm due the same month as a bunch of giggly girls (yes, girls, not women) in their late teens and early twenties, and and it just irritates me.

Recently I was reading a discussion about whether or not to use crib bumpers. The current advice from doctors is don't, because it's a suffocation risk. So someone asked if people were using the bumpers that came with their bedding sets. About half of the people were like me, saying, "No, it's too dangerous and has no benefit." But about half the people said, "Yes, I'm using mine."

"Because it's cute."

CUTE? Really? That's it? I could respect your decision if you were afraid the kid would get his arms and legs stuck between the slats, or if you did research and rejected the doctors' opinion, or had a valid reason besides IT'S JUST CUTE.

Come on.

I continue to read and post, though, because...I don't know why. Because I don't know anyone else who's due in July, I guess.

Today I asked a question about names, because Mike and I can't decide on a middle name, and so we're thinking of using two. I posted the question to the board to see if people thought that two middle names was overkill. I don't know how they'll react to three Catholic names like Bernadette, Mary, and Mercy. The people there use names like this (and yes, these are real examples):

"Riley," spelled Rhyleigh
"Lincoln," spelled Linkin*
"Maxim," spelled Macksim

So we'll see.

I need to find something else to do.

* after the band Linkin Park. Classy!

Busy Day

2010-02-16T02:58:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a busy day, considering that I didn't work.

At 8:45 AM I had my ultrasound. This big one - the fetal study ultrasound. Also, the fun one, where you can see things like the parts of the baby and the gender! Unfortunately, 45 minutes before your appointment you have to drink 24 oz of water so you have a full bladder during the test. I have no idea why this is necessary, but the papers I got state that it is, and that if you don't come with a full bladder they'll make you come back another day. I didn't want that - I already had today off of work for President's Day and I didn't want to miss a day of work because my bladder wasn't sufficiently full. So I dutifully drank all of the water.

Ugh - misery. I spent my time in the waiting room tapping my foot, reassuring myself that I had gotten through this once for P's ultrasound, and also trying not to think about the fact that my muscles were probably tighter back then.

But all was well. They called me back and a student tech did the first parts of my ultrasound. Both she and the regular tech, who came in later to finish the ultrasound, commented, "Wow, your bladder is really full. You really did drink all of that water, didn't you?" Yes, of course I did, I wanted to scream, you told me to! Why would you tell me to do that if I didn't really need to?

But the ultrasound went well. First the kiddo was squirming and fighting, and later she curled into a tiny ball and wouldn't move at all, so it took them a while to get all of the images. I know they can't diagnose anything so I didn't bother to ask if everything looked normal, but they didn't seem concerned about anything.

And we got a clear shot of the gender - it's a girl! When I came home P rushed over and wanted to see my belly (his new obsession, for some reason), and as he did Mike said, "Say hi to Bernadette."

"Hi, Dette!" P said cheerfully.

We'll call her Etta, and I'll call her E here. I think the ultrasound ticked her off, because she was more active than ever before for the rest of the day.

Later I went to physical therapy for my back. The pregnancy has thrown it out of whack. I think the main purpose of PT is to make you feel absolutely silly, because I felt absurd as the PT coached me through the back exercises I have to do now. Luckily I found that I've been doing a lot of everyday things to aggravate my back. This is good, because it means that if I can make the lifestyle changes I need to make - things like carrying bags over both shoulders instead of one, or using pillows for support when I sit - then my back will stop hurting. She also recommended a belly brace, which looks absurd.

But if it helps, I'll get one and use it.

So that was my day. Hopefully today won't be as busy - I'm tired from my day off!

Those things

2010-02-07T19:19:00.002-06:00

This evening Mike, P, and I were watching the Super Bowl commercials and there was a commercial that featured beavers. When he saw the beavers Mike said, "Oh look, Philo, those things."

"Those are beavers," I said.

"Oh, I was going to say woodchucks," Mike said.

"Well, they're not," I said.

"I'm a city boy," Mike said, "just like P." He ruffled P's hair.

Good thing I'm around to educate them.

Getting Ready

2010-01-31T11:35:00.003-06:00

We're getting ready for Bernamon. I guess I feel the need to prepare earlier than I did for P because we're so busy with P that our spare time is limited. I won't have as much time in my 8th and 9th months to putter around the nursery, so I have to get started earlier.

Like four months earlier. Why yes, I am compulsive.

I think part of it is because I'm so busy with P and the new job that I feel less "connected" with this pregnancy. I can't spend entire evenings sipping lemonade and sitting perfectly still, waiting to feel a tap inside my belly, or perusing pregnancy websites and books. But doing things like arranging Bernamon's room or buying a crib makes it more real for me. I can't wait for the ultrasound...that'll make it even more real. Now that Mike and I know the rollercoaster that pregnancy and parenting can be, we're more eager than ever to see that ultrasound and be reassured that we have a whole, healthy baby in there.

Anyway, I added a tag called Compulsive Lists because I do make compulsive lists, and also because that's what this is. It's what we have and what we need for the baby.

What We Need:

[X] Crib and mattress
[X] Bedding
[ ] Mattress pads
[ ] Changing table
[X] Double stroller
[X] Infant car seat/carrier
[ ] Larger car seat
[X] Clothes (we're set, especially if it's a boy!)
[X] Baby carrier
[X] Cloth diapers
[ ] Snappis (we have some, but ours are old and they need replacing after 6 months)
[X] Toys
[X] Bath tub
[X] Baby monitor
[X] Pack'n'Play
[X] Swing
[ ] Shelves
[ ] Bins/baskets for the shelves
[X] Random baby stuff that we have left over from P

We're close to being set.

Coming up Empty

2010-01-29T10:41:00.005-06:00

After being so smug about having our baby names all worked out, my feelings about more middle names changed and now we are struggling to come up with some.

I know that middle names don't mean much in society, but I really want them to be inspirational. I want to name my kids after something. P's first name is meaningful, and his middle name is tied to his first. His first name is Philo and by coincidence we chose Alexander as a middle name...I later found out that the Catholic saint St. Philo is also known as Philo of Alexandria. I've come to love the meaning behind his name, and I want our new kid to have an equally meaningful name.

My own name is not as meaningful. It's the only name my parents could think of that wasn't taken by one of my cousins, or a girl my dad dated. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad. I want our kid's name to have meaning.

Our boy name is pretty much set. The first name is Solomon (it means "peace," and he was a Biblical figure) and the middle name is Francis (St. Francis of Assisi and St. Francis de Sales were wonderful saints). And our girl first name is Bernadette. But the middle name is harder.

I want Catherine, after St. Catherine Laboure who I think was a very neat saint. Mike wants Blaise. I like St. Blaise, but he's a male saint. Even though there are girls named Blaise today...I dunno. Mike says that naming our kid Bernadette Catherine pretty much says, "Yes, my child is named after the 1950s," but I think that it's a good, solid Catholic name.

On the 15th we're getting an ultrasound, and hopefully Bernamon will be feeling cooperative enough to let us see if we're having a boy or a girl. Then we'll know if we need to keep deliberating about names.

flutter

2010-01-22T21:22:00.002-06:00

Today I was sitting in my office at work. It was very quiet because it was Planning Day, when all the kids stay home and the teachers spend time planning their lessons for the next semester. My office is heated by a 1930s-era radiator system and sometimes it makes odd noises. Today I was reading an article online and I heard an odd, dry, fluttery sound behind me.

And my first thought was that I didn't want to turn around because I was afraid I'd see a giant moth fluttering around the back of my office.

Yes, a giant moth. That's where my mind jumped. Not "Oh, radiator noise," or "Oh, a bat" or "Oh, a standard-sized moth," all of which would have made more sense than giant moth.

I wonder how old I'll be before I stop fearing giant, nonexistent bugs.

Not much going on

2010-01-20T20:00:00.002-06:00

I'm not going to post P's monthly milestones anymore, since he's pretty much met all of his two-year milestones. I will mention, though, that he's starting to speak in two-word sentences sometimes, and he's even starting to ask, "What that?" A lot of his speech is still jargon, but he's improving.

Recently a friend of mine asked what I've been up to lately, and I responded, "Working and being knocked up." Even though he reminded me that I'm very lucky, and I know that I am, I can't help but wish that sometimes my life consisted of being an employee, then a mama. This weekend Mike is taking P out so I can have some alone time. That'll be good.

Next week I have my OB appointment, and I'm relieved. I'm at that awkward point in pregnancy where I'm not sick anymore, but I don't feel a whole lot of movement, so I feel less pregnant than I did a month ago. It seems like at some point every day I feel a little tap-tap or swoosh, but I can't decide if it's Bernamon, or my lunch. So I'll be happy to get to the doctor and hear the heartbeat. Plus I'm pretty sure that's the appointment where I'll get the prescription for my ultrasound. I can't wait for that. I'm dying to know if we're having a boy or a girl.

So life has been pretty quiet lately, but not bad. It makes for boring reading, but pleasant living.

Frisbee Golf

2010-01-11T20:04:00.002-06:00

Today at work I was observing a severely cognitively disabled student in gym class because I heard that it was her favorite class and that she was so interactive during gym. As it turns out, that was an overstatement. Instead I got to watch an hour of kids doing gym class.

Everyone in the class had significant cognitive disabilities so it was neat to watch how much they loved gym. The main activity was playing frisbee golf. The gym teacher divided the kids up into three teams, and because the teams were uneven asked me if I'd be on a team to even it up.

That's how I found myself participating in a high school gym class for the first time in ten years.

Now, the object of frisbee golf is to throw your frisbee into a thing that looks kind of like a bucket with an umbrella over it. You take one shot, and then walk to wherever it landed, and take another shot from there. It didn't take me long to figure out that if I just tossed it near the goal, instead of letting it fly wildly in the general direction of the goal in an attempt to hit the goal right away, I could take another shot standing a lot closer. I got all my goals within two shots, which was a lot less than most of the kids. Unfortunately the kids had a lot more energy and willingness to run than I did, so almost without fail, I was the last one to make my goals and be able to sit down.

Do you know what it's like to get schooled at frisbee golf by a bunch of teenagers?

For that matter, have you ever had to play frisbee golf?

While pregnant?

And wearing dress clothes?

And wearing dress shoes?

And running on a slippery gym floor?

It doesn't go well.

It was an interesting experience, but I'm so glad I don't have mandatory gym classes anymore.

Video on Self-Defense

2010-01-03T20:10:00.001-06:00

Ten Years in Review

2009-12-31T19:59:00.004-06:00

Yeah, I know that the new decade doesn't start until 2011, but 2010 FEELS significant. I've seen a lot of people doing "decade in review" posts, so here's mine.

2000 - I was in the middle of my sophomore year of college. Lots of studying, lots of moping around, but I was starting to make more friends and come out of my shell.

2001 - I was in the middle of my junior year of college. I was finally of legal drinking age and enjoyed going to the bars, even though I didn't do it much (maybe once every other month or so). I studied a lot and worried about getting into graduate school.

2002 - I was living in an apartment with my friends Megan and Erica. I studied a lot and worked a lot, but still found time to smoke cherry-flavored cigarillos and mope. I listened to far too many CDs for my own good. In May I graduated from college with my bachelors, got accepted into graduate school, and later that summer I got my own studio apartment at a lovely apartment complex/bowling alley.

2003 - I was in my second year of graduate school. I pierced my tongue and adopted my cat, Rusty, and then my other cat, Cider. I met Marc and started my first real serious romantic relationship.

2004 - I graduated from grad school, got my first real job, and moved to Illinois. It was a challenging thing to start my new life in a new state where I didn't know anybody, but I think it was good for me. I liked my job but didn't care for living in Illinois too much, so...

2005 - I moved back to Wisconsin. It meant a longer commute but I didn't mind. In October I met Mike.

2006 - In March I got engaged, and in June I moved to Milwaukee. In October I got married. It was a happy year.

2007 - Mike and I were settling into married life. In August I got pregnant with Little P. In October my little cat Rusty died.

2008 - I had Little P and finally quit my job in Illinois. I found a new job in Wisconsin and Mike, P, and I moved out of our little apartment.

2009 - I quit the job I had and got a new one in Milwaukee that would allow me to spend more time with my family. P turned one year old and Mike and I turned thirty. I got pregnant for a second time. We moved back to Milwaukee and bought a house.

I can't believe how different things are now compared to where I was in 2000. I wonder where I'll be in 2020.

Boys vs. Girls

2009-12-30T11:55:00.002-06:00

Lots of people have been asking me whether I want to have a boy or a girl. At first I didn't care which...in fact, I hoped for twins so I could have one of each. But now I'm officially hoping for a girl.

Here are my reasons for wanting a girl:

1. The carpet in the room that will be Bernamon's room is pink. While it's not particularly beautiful, it's in good shape and I'd rather not replace it.

2. Bernamon will be born in July, and will be one of the youngest kids in his/her class. Since girls develop emotionally sooner than boys, and because physical size isn't as important in establishing female pecking order in school, a girl will have an easier time dealing with the disadvantage than a boy.

3. It'll be easier with Nephew.

Nephew will be four months older than Bernamon. That's huge in baby time, but that gap will become almost nonexistent as the kids get older. Bernamon and Nephew will be in the same grade, and and it'll be tough not to compare the kids. I'm sure my parents and brother will never explicitly compare the kids in front of them, but it'll be hard to erase all comparison. Statements like, "Oh Bernamon, you made the Honor Roll! How did school go for you this quarter, Nephew?" or "Hey Nephew, great job on making the track team! What have you been up to, Bernamon?" could pit the kids against one another. I think the comparisons will have less of an impact if you're comparing a boy and a girl than if you're comparing a boy and a boy.

As far as what I want to do with Bernamon, though, it doesn't matter what he/she is. The activities I imagined doing with my kids - hiking through the country, teaching them to draw, going to the library, playing in the park, riding bikes, visiting all the places in Milwaukee that would appeal to a kid - don't depend on gender. I don't have visions of braiding hair or mother-daughter manicures. I just think things will be easier if Bernamon is a girl.

Also, I won't have to replace that carpeting.

Labor-Intensive

2009-12-27T06:12:00.003-06:00

When I found out that I was pregnant all those weeks ago I thought, "I'm pregnant? I'm pregnant! Hooray, hooray, hooray hoo- oh shit, labor."

Labor. I'll never forget my labor with P and personally, I don't know anyone who had a worse labor*. I labored without medication for 32 hours. And it was ALL back labor. I had an epidural for two hours before I started pushing. And I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, for three hours. The doctor told me later that he was about to announce that I needed a C-section when P finally came out.

I have several friends and cousins who had babies within a year of me having P, and it was interesting to compare notes. There were two people I know who had their babies at home with a midwife, and a few people I know who had C-sections, and everything in between. But I don't know anyone who really, really wanted a drug-free birth and wasn't able to do it.

I still really want a drug-free birth. I still feel a little pang of jealousy and failure when I hear about someone who was able to have their baby without medication. But knowing how bad labor can get, I just don't know if I can write another birth plan that says, "I don't want medication. If I ask, talk me out of it." I feel bad because everyone says it's best for the mother and the baby to not use drugs, but like I said, I know how bad labor can get. And I don't know if I can do it.

I suppose I have another 5 months or so to think about it. I shouldn't worry now.

* I know there are people who had worse labors, but I don't know them.

You've got to be kidding me

2009-12-23T19:11:00.002-06:00

On Sunday my family got together for my birthday - me, Mike, P, my parents, my grandparents, my brother, my sister, and my sister's fiance (she's newly engaged to her baby's dad). It was nice.

However, there was one conversation I walked in on between my sister and my mom (I was in the kitchen to grab a snack). My sister was hoping that her baby (hereafter known as Nephew because his name is unique and easily Google-able) would be born on or before his due date. She didn't want him born after. My mom asked why.

"Because," she said, "if he's born after March 20th he'll be an Aries. If he's born on or before March 20th he'll be a Pisces. I want him to be a Pisces."

"What does it matter?" I asked. I don't even know P's zodiac sign.

"Because," she said patiently, "according to the elements assigned to each sign of the zodiac, if he's an Aries he'll be a fire sign. I'm a Libra, which makes me an Air sign. Air and Fire don't get along."

"But you're a Libra, which means you're the scales," my mom said. "Doesn't that mean you should be balanced and like everyone?"

My sister just smiled. "No," she said. "If he's a Pisces he'll be a Water sign, and Water gets along much better with Air than Fire does. Air kind of inflames Fire. We won't get along if he's an Aries."

Really? REALLY? Now, Karen is Wiccan, and I don't pretend to understand Wiccan religion. I'm not willfully ignorant about it and I don't hold any animosity toward it, I'm just not knowledgeable. So maybe zodiac signs do play a huge part in her beliefs. But really, I call bullshit on this. No matter what zodiac sign he is, he is your son. If you don't get along you can't blame it on your incompatible signs. It's your responsibility to build a bond with him that transcends that. If you really think it's going to be a problem, this is your heads-up that you need to build a positive relationship that can withstand your differences. It's not a ready-made excuse you can whip out when the going gets tough - "Oh, I can't handle this. We're just two different signs, is all."

I also looked up elemental zodiac signs, and apparently I'm a Fire sign while P is an Air sign. And I think we're pretty compatible. So suck it up, Buttercup. Parenthood isn't easy.

On turning thirty

2009-12-20T20:07:00.002-06:00

Today I'm thirty years old.

Weird.

I guess it's weird because it seems like it should be such a big milestone, but I spent most of the day hanging out with my family, feeling nauseous, or chasing after P. It was nice, but not that exciting.

I suppose whenever you enter a new decade you take stock of your life. I've been thinking about mine, and where I thought I'd be at thirty when I was twenty-five. I think I'm ahead of where I predicted I'd be five years ago. I have a great husband, a cute kid, a second on the way. I have a good job and a house. I have three cats, a pension, and a 401K. Life isn't so bad.

I guess one thing I regret is that I feel like the big surprises in my life are over, and now my life is more just following through on what I started. I no longer think about who I might marry, or what our child will be like, or when or if I might get pregnant again. While the house we have might not be the house we grow old in, it's still a start. Life is very nice, very pleasant, and very comfortable, but not very exciting. I don't think Mike suffers from this because he's constantly picking up new hobbies and learning new things, but I'm more practical. Why should I take a pottery class? What would I do with a bunch of pieces of pottery? Why should I continue sewing? I don't really need anything sewn. Why should I learn to paint? Our walls are already filled with pictures. Why should I start training for a marathon? Do you know how hard it is to find a good baby-sitter on a weekend? Do you know how tired I am at the end of the day? Do you know how much time and attention P needs? A lot of the things I've accomplished - finding a house, finding a job, having a child - were practical, or an expected progression of my life. I don't think there are many new things left to do.

Which doesn't mean I'm unhappy. I'm looking forward to watching P and Bernamon grow up, and spending these years with Mike. I think I just need to find a way to shake things up a little.

19 month milestones

2009-12-20T20:01:00.002-06:00

I can't believe he's over a year and a half old already! He's met all of his two-year milestones with the exception of speaking in three or four word sentences.

Movement milestones

* Walks alone
* Pulls toys behind her while walking
* Carries large toy or several toys while walking
* Begins to run
* Stands on tiptoe
* Kicks a ball (recently started this - so cute!)
* Climbs onto and down from furniture unassisted
* Walks up and down stairs holding on to support

Milestones in hand and finger skills

* Scribbles spontaneously
* Turns over container to pour out contents
* Builds tower of four blocks or more
* Might use one hand more frequently than the other

Language milestones

* Points to object or picture when it’s named for him
* Recognizes names of familiar people, objects, and body parts
* Says several single words (by fifteen to eighteen months)
* Uses simple phrases (by eighteen to twenty-four months) (he uses familiar phrases such as "All done," and "Hi Dada,")
* Uses two- to four-word sentences (he's started using two word original sentences such as, "Help baba" when he wants me to get milk and "All done down" when he's finished with dinner and wants to get down from his high chair)
* Follows simple instructions
* Repeats words overheard in conversation

Cognitive milestones

* Finds objects even when hidden under two or three covers
* Begins to sort by shapes and colors
* Begins make-believe play

Social and emotional milestones

* Imitates behavior of others, especially adults and older children
* Increasingly aware of herself as separate from others
* Increasingly enthusiastic about company of other children
* Demonstrates increasing independence
* Begins to show defiant behavior
* Increasing episodes of separation anxiety toward midyear, then they fade

Feeling weird

2009-12-13T18:20:00.005-06:00

I'm in that odd spot in a pregnancy where my initial symptoms are starting to wane...I'm having much less morning sickness, my fatigue has become routine, and other symptoms are starting to disappear. But I don't feel any movement (of course, it's too early) and while I do have a slight belly it's not huge. I'm feeling less pregnant. I'm sure it's fine - I'm 11 weeks pregnant and saw a strong heartbeat on the ultrasound a few weeks ago - but I still feel relieved whenever I feel a symptom. I really need to stop Googling miscarriage rates because I keep turning up testimonials of women who had miscarriages at 10 weeks, 11 weeks, 12 weeks, or even later.

Bah.

In the meantime, taco dip is AMAZING. I'm still having food cravings and enjoying it. Food tastes amazing when you're craving it.